Deepest regrets to all those going through an exam period right now. This usually traumatic period marked by extreme highs and extreme lows makes me seek out creative diversions to keep up moral and attempt to be more effective. So me and a friend spent a couple hours yesterday exploring the catacombs of Simon Fraser University. Here are some of the photos of the secrets we uncovered.
This device that converts water into energy and we suspected powers the entire university was found in a chemistry professors lab. When questioned, they claimed that it "did nothing of the sort", but we knew better than to believe the lies. Instead they claimed it was "a ground breaking new invention that could extract caffeine from coffee after it had been brewed". Experiments so far had demonstrated that not only did it completely remove the caffeine, but it also made the final product taste nasty and less flavourful, in other words a total success. Not wanting to shatter the professors life work, we avoided mentioning you could already buy such a pointless beverage that was a flavourless, caffeine-less variant called decaf.
Next we stumbled upon a device that emanated a loud humming noise and made our ear lobes and noses glow when we got too close. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that the door led to a chamber that was used to extend the lives of professors so that they may lecture monotonously well paste their natural life-times. We named it the Fossil Containment Unit or FCU for short. We were about to open the door when a TA came running yelling "don't disturb their sleep!". Apparently if the chamber is opened too early, there would be staff enough to offer all mandatory undergrad classes in every department and students would be able to graduate in four years instead of the 6 to 8 years it usually takes. Not wanting to upset department and university policy, we politely offered to file our grievances with some office that wouldn't listen and has no power even though they are paid to listen and take action.
Now it is not that we were not allowed to be in any of these areas. There were no signs on doors and we didn't tie up any security guards and steal their uniforms to be inconspicuous. We did however get chased by a mutant that jumped out of one of the containment units in a hallway near the FCU that was being used to breed mosquitoes. The little mutant or trans-genetically challenge individual started a pursuit that led through secret passageways of the AQ and out through the RCB complex. Emerging onto the snow covered hill atop burnaby mountain, we found some customized mountain bikes nearby and using our bolt cutters, broke the security chain that was used to lock them up. As the mutant finally opened the door that he'd been trying to open but couldn't because he was too vertically challenged to reach the latch that held it closed, we took off peddling down one of the many bike trails that lead into Burnaby.
The moral of the story? If you ever get chased by a vertically trans-genetically challenged individual while searching for evidence of conspiracies at Simon Fraser University, make sure you have found an escape route via the Simon Fraser University Mountain Bike Trail Guide online and you've brought bolt cutters.
Brought to you by the Pirates of Meharties.